One Month Later

Clearly, I'm not using this as frequently as I intended.  But it's okay.  This weekend, I've been really stressed out, so it's time for some auto-vocal therapy.

I had big plans for this weekend.  Friday, I was going to see an immersive show with Julia in Boston.  Saturday, Lynz and John's 10th anniversary party.  Sunday, Project Day.  Busy and fun, just the way it should be...but it wasn't.  Well, it's been busy, just not fun.

Friday: Experiment America, which, two years ago, featured many actors from Sleep No More.  Here's the show's description:

What if your phone let you in on the secret stories of strangers? Immersive theater artist Mikhael Tara Garver (Fornicated From the Beatles) collaborates with more than 50 writers, dancers, actors, and performers to bring you Experiment America.

Expect an evening filled to the brim with music, dancing, and hidden discoveries with unexpected encounters waiting in your pocket—and around every corner of our building. Part dance party, part performance, it’s sure to be an unforgettable experience. Experiment America is presented as part of the Emerging America Festival, in partnership with the American Repertory Theater and the Huntington Theatre Company.

with technology so present. our stories are everywhere and simultaneously invisible.
At Experiment America 2012. Mikhael Tara Garver has created a large scale event that holds the voices, bodies and vision of over 100 artists.
It’s around every corner or maybe even the party-goer next to you, but it will all be surprising, sexy and fun.

Sounds awesome, right?  It was not awesome, at least to me.  This event took place in the 4-story ICA building, with stuff happening on each floor.  Fourth floor was the art museum: I saw some interesting exhibits.  Third floor: you couldn't enter the room unless you had a puzzle piece.  I had no idea where to get a puzzle piece.  Second floor, you couldn't enter the room unless you had a teacup: easy enough to find, they were everywhere.  Teacup in hand, you enter a small room where someone gives you tea, if you want it.  I don't like tea, and my cup was dirty, so I declined.  Once finished, you can leave your cup behind and enter the next room: a big empty room with big empty picture frames hanging away from the walls, lit by spotlights.  People were taking pictures of their friends posed within the frames.  No interest for me.  And that's all the second floor had to offer.  First floor: dance floor, bar, and a long, slow line to enter some kind of box.

And that's all there was.  Apparently, there were stories and "quests", but I couldn't find any of them.  It was not "surprising, sexy, and fun", and for the whole time, I was confused, lost, anxious, and agitated.  In Amnesia: The Dark Descent, a game I've been playing recently, when your character loses sanity, his vision blurs and he starts to hear a droning, alarm-like sound: that's how I felt.  I felt like I was losing sanity just by being there.  What's funny is, I would have been okay with some Sleep No More-esque creepiness, but this brightly lit and festive event made me feel lonely and afraid.

That night, I stayed at Julia's in Somerville.  Went home the next day, a bit later than I'd planned, to get ready for the anniversary party.  I got home around 3 pm: according to the Facebook event, the party started at 2.  I ate a sandwich, took a shower, gave myself a haircut, tried to fix the haircut, settled for wearing a bandanna on my head, bought some beer, and left home around 5:30.  I was looking forward to talking to Anthony when I got there, since our LARP game, Crisis Aboard the Starship Hecate, is up for review for Intercon 2013 and we need to develop it further.  Well, I got to Lynz's, and as I was getting out of my car, Ant drove right past me, going home for the night.  So much for that.

At least I could eat, right?  Rob would be there, so there was bound to be some tasty BBQ...well, there was.  All the meat was gone, and very little non-dessert food was left.  I started to feel sad.  There were plenty of people I knew at this party: Lynz, John, Jesse, Marie, Jessie, Joslynn, Rob, Hoyle...but nobody I wanted to talk to.  Nobody I was close to.  I mean, I could talk to Hoyle about RPGs, but...what else?  What do I even have in common with any of these people anymore?  I spent most of the night in the basement, playing Wii Sports with Anja and some other kid.

Something else I noticed?  There were several children at the party, and most of the women in attendance were pregnant.  It's like a goddamn epidemic.  Why would anyone want that??  I feel that this was contributing to my feelings of alienation and loneliness at the party.  10 years ago, Lynz and John got married and had Anja; now, they're living in a beautiful house in the woods, with an awesome kid, having a bonfire and a party with lots of friends in attendance.  Know what I was doing 10 years ago?  Acting like someone with Asperger's, and shipping off to boot camp.  Though I thought it might help me develop skills I needed (self-discipline, regular exercise, etc.), joining the navy was easily the worst thing I've ever done with my life...because all the other "worst things" wouldn't have happened if I hadn't joined.  Who knows, I probably would have made all kinds of different fuck-ups instead.

The point is, Lynz and John made decisions 10 years ago which have enriched their lives, and led them to a good place, and I can't even join them in this good place because of all the stupid things I've done with my life.  I'm happy for their success, but I'm jealous that I will never have what they have.  I could never afford a big house in the woods, I literally cannot imagine what it's like to live with the same person for 10 years, much less like them after that long, much less love them.  Their daughter is not caught in a legal battle with 3 sets of guardians, hundreds of miles apart, pushing and pulling to get her to live with them.

I'm angry because I don't belong at Tuesday Night Dinner anymore.  That used to be my closest group of friends, but now they are strangers to me.  I don't feel close to any of them...and frankly, I don't like Gwen.  Everything she likes, I find repulsive.  And if I don't belong in that group...where do I belong?  I need people, I need friends, I need companionship.  But where does a single straight guy go to find friends?  Seems like everyone I know is a couple.  And seriously, fuck those guys.  All snuggly and kissy, and planning their future like they'll actually have one.  Why?  Why does everyone do this??  WHAT IS THE BENEFIT??

*sigh*

You know why I'm writing this here?  Because I don't even know who I can vent to.  I need to get these words and feelings out of me, but who's going to listen?  My mom would, Erin might, but in either case I'll probably be such a downer that I'll ruin their day.  I guess the better question is, who can I talk to without feeling like a whiny, needy child?

I'm hungry.  I'm sad.  And I need to go to a rehearsal for a play I don't particularly want to be in, but I'm doing it anyway because at least it will get me out of the house.

Also: Project Day didn't happen today, due to both the rehearsal, and a general lack of availability and/or interest.  Woo.

First post on Blogger

I used to blog compulsively.  Not that many people were reading...but I thought it would help me sort through my problems, and give me something to look back on to remember the forgotten details of my life. 

I don't remember when  stopped blogging...but I think it was around the time I had a really bad experience at a party, blogged about it, and received an email from a friend (who knew everyone at that party), informing me that my blog was public, and I might want to do something about that.  I hadn't realized it was public.  That's right, I got so embarrassed I left the Internet.  Woo.

But that was years ago.  I feel as though I have changed quite a lot since then...but I'm still not the person I want to be.  I often feel unmotivated and overwhelmed, and I feel that part of the problem is that I don't take time to reflect.  I should meditate--I should also exercise--but I can't motivate myself to do it.  It's a vicious cycle.

Here's the thing: I need people.  I need people to help me understand myself, to help me stay motivated, to give me a sense of clarity and purpose.  But I don't like having roommates, or being in a relationship, either of which would provide me with the companionship I need in order to be functional.  The middle ground here is to spend time with close friends every week, and that used to be something I did...but I don't have time to do that anymore.  So...what do I do, during those times when I have nobody to talk to?

Blog.

Blogging, like meditating, gives me a chance to focus on what's going on in my head.  Unlike meditating, it's something to do, rather than a state of active non-doing, so it should be easier to stay awake.  Blogging is me having a conversation with myself, and giving solid form to my nebulous thoughts.


...well, that was a half-hour spent saying "THIS IS A BLOG AND I WRITE THINGS IN IT"...

Point is, I plan to write a little every day, as a means to help me understand myself.  We'll see if it actually happens.